Escaping Enemy Mode

Since 2003 and the emergence of the brain science of identity, Jim Wilder has been telling anyone who will listen that the most important missing element is the science of hate.

Emotional regulation is the mechanism of resilience but how does the brain grow cold to the humanity of others?

Recent social science has begun to say that racial prejudice is an outgrowth of the disgust emotion but, as Dr. Shore points out, disgust de-energizes the brain and body. Hate energizes people.

Social media and popular culture have taken a form of “politically correct” thinking view of hate and tied hate to certain views and opinions. However, social science is showing us that opinions are a way to gather people who hate rather than a way to creating “they are the enemy” in the brain itself. Long before views and opinions gather a group, it appears brains have concluded who the enemy is and begun the process of hating “them”.

Social media platforms, broadcast media, and internet “click bait” have proven very effective at polarizing opinions and reducing or eliminating dialogue. Families, friends, and churches are rapidly becoming alienated over vaccines, political views, human sexuality and identity.

How does the brain decide that someone is not on my side and begin an alienation process? How do we escape being dragged along?

The book Escaping Enemy Mode engages a much broader audience than the church. Why? Because lots of people are in some degree of enemy mode with the church. People are leaving church while others see Christian beliefs as the cause for social discord. On the other hand, there are about 2.3 billion people on earth who claim to be Christian. It is the world’s largest religion.

Ray Woolridge set out to see if loving enemies, as Jesus taught, fits with escaping enemy mode. Jim Wilder set out to discover how the brain gets alienated from others – from simply seeing others as transactions to the full depersonalization of hate and genocide.

Can escaping enemy mode provide better paths forward around race and other sources of alienation?

We are about to find out.

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 17, 2022

Since 2003 and the emergence of the brain science of identity, Jim Wilder has been telling anyone who will listen that the most important missing element is the science of hate.

Emotional regulation is the mechanism of resilience but how does the brain grow cold to the humanity of others?

Recent social science has begun to say that racial prejudice is an outgrowth of the disgust emotion but, as Dr. Shore points out, disgust de-energizes the brain and body. Hate energizes people.

Social media and popular culture have taken a form of “politically correct” thinking view of hate and tied hate to certain views and opinions. However, social science is showing us that opinions are a way to gather people who hate rather than a way to creating “they are the enemy” in the brain itself. Long before views and opinions gather a group, it appears brains have concluded who the enemy is and begun the process of hating “them”.

Social media platforms, broadcast media, and internet “click bait” have proven very effective at polarizing opinions and reducing or eliminating dialogue. Families, friends, and churches are rapidly becoming alienated over vaccines, political views, human sexuality and identity.

How does the brain decide that someone is not on my side and begin an alienation process? How do we escape being dragged along?

The book Escaping Enemy Mode engages a much broader audience than the church. Why? Because lots of people are in some degree of enemy mode with the church. People are leaving church while others see Christian beliefs as the cause for social discord. On the other hand, there are about 2.3 billion people on earth who claim to be Christian. It is the world’s largest religion.

Ray Woolridge set out to see if loving enemies, as Jesus taught, fits with escaping enemy mode. Jim Wilder set out to discover how the brain gets alienated from others – from simply seeing others as transactions to the full depersonalization of hate and genocide.

Can escaping enemy mode provide better paths forward around race and other sources of alienation?

We are about to find out.

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 17, 2022

During the two long years Jim Wilder and I invested in writing Escaping Enemy Mode, opportunities to practice what we were learning were frequent.

I often found myself lamenting my enemy mode failures.

As buoyed as I might have been by an occasional successful escape, the damage my enemy mode had caused brought sadness, pain, regret and the determination to escape enemy mode at all costs.

Our writing and research were fueled by a profusion of personal examples, observation of the damage caused by enemy mode around us, and the storytellers who filled us with their tales of enemy mode exposures and escapes. Many stories were like this one from not too long ago when my enemy mode tendencies almost did some damage.

Becoming relational takes time as neural pathways (FAST track) get retrained. 

I almost fell into a well-worn path in a discussion that ended relationally but could have taken a turn.  

My wife Deborah and I were moving out of state this summer.  After hundreds of hours on house hunting websites, we had found just the right place. We wanted to tour it but wondered “where did the bedroom hallway begin?”

She felt the hallway entry was at the front.  I countered: “It has to start in the middle.”  I knew I was right.

The discussion felt like a debate.  Fun for a while, it changed to “just on the edge” of not being fun.  I felt tension rising in my chest. She felt uncomfortable and almost wanted to stop talking about it. 

We were at an impasse.  In these types of situations in the past, it has been normal for me to go into enemy mode. The next few minutes I would not have been my best self. I would prove my point. I would win!

That didn’t happen this time. What helped? I am a Christian, so I wondered “what did Jesus have to say about this?”

Deborah was first to notice what was happening between us.  She felt the tension before I did. I had noticed my tightening chest but not done anything to quiet myself.  She wisely suggested, “you and I just have hypotheses.  We can’t tell from the photos, so we don’t know.  We’ll have to see.”  I agreed with her, “Yes, we’ll see tomorrow!”

She was my “rescue attachment.” She helped me realize we could win the discussion together.  I quieted my body a little.  I remembered she was on my side and listened to her. Our discussion had taken forty-five minutes, thanks to me.  We ended the discussion relationally and agreed to disagree, thanks to Deborah.

During the next day’s virtual tour, we discovered where the hallway began.  It turns out we had been both saying the same thing, but I didn’t notice at the time. 

Why? Because I was slipping into enemy mode. I was not curious about what she was thinking, which indicates enemy mode in the brain.

We got our “hallway entry” answer, but we are still working every day to stay out of enemy mode. This was a tiny victory on the road to transformation. When Deborah and I later reflected on this episode, we felt tender towards each other and thankful to possibly have a new home to live in.

Better, we felt we had been together in it and had acted like our best selves.

Better yet, we both felt Jesus was with us, and was pleased with the new way we navigated what could have been painful.

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 16, 2022

During the two long years Jim Wilder and I invested in writing Escaping Enemy Mode, opportunities to practice what we were learning were frequent.

I often found myself lamenting my enemy mode failures.

As buoyed as I might have been by an occasional successful escape, the damage my enemy mode had caused brought sadness, pain, regret and the determination to escape enemy mode at all costs.

Our writing and research were fueled by a profusion of personal examples, observation of the damage caused by enemy mode around us, and the storytellers who filled us with their tales of enemy mode exposures and escapes. Many stories were like this one from not too long ago when my enemy mode tendencies almost did some damage.

Becoming relational takes time as neural pathways (FAST track) get retrained. 

I almost fell into a well-worn path in a discussion that ended relationally but could have taken a turn.  

My wife Deborah and I were moving out of state this summer.  After hundreds of hours on house hunting websites, we had found just the right place. We wanted to tour it but wondered “where did the bedroom hallway begin?”

She felt the hallway entry was at the front.  I countered: “It has to start in the middle.”  I knew I was right.

The discussion felt like a debate.  Fun for a while, it changed to “just on the edge” of not being fun.  I felt tension rising in my chest. She felt uncomfortable and almost wanted to stop talking about it. 

We were at an impasse.  In these types of situations in the past, it has been normal for me to go into enemy mode. The next few minutes I would not have been my best self. I would prove my point. I would win!

That didn’t happen this time. What helped? I am a Christian, so I wondered “what did Jesus have to say about this?”

Deborah was first to notice what was happening between us.  She felt the tension before I did. I had noticed my tightening chest but not done anything to quiet myself.  She wisely suggested, “you and I just have hypotheses.  We can’t tell from the photos, so we don’t know.  We’ll have to see.”  I agreed with her, “Yes, we’ll see tomorrow!”

She was my “rescue attachment.” She helped me realize we could win the discussion together.  I quieted my body a little.  I remembered she was on my side and listened to her. Our discussion had taken forty-five minutes, thanks to me.  We ended the discussion relationally and agreed to disagree, thanks to Deborah.

During the next day’s virtual tour, we discovered where the hallway began.  It turns out we had been both saying the same thing, but I didn’t notice at the time. 

Why? Because I was slipping into enemy mode. I was not curious about what she was thinking, which indicates enemy mode in the brain.

We got our “hallway entry” answer, but we are still working every day to stay out of enemy mode. This was a tiny victory on the road to transformation. When Deborah and I later reflected on this episode, we felt tender towards each other and thankful to possibly have a new home to live in.

Better, we felt we had been together in it and had acted like our best selves.

Better yet, we both felt Jesus was with us, and was pleased with the new way we navigated what could have been painful.

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 16, 2022

Enemy mode affects us even if we don’t notice it.

Just like asbestos, second-hand smoke or bad drinking water, exposure to enemy mode affects everyone.

Don’t think you’ve been impacted by enemy mode?

What’s your answer to these questions? Any “yes” means you have been exposed. The more “yes” answers, the higher your exposure!

Test your risk of enemy mode exposure: A “yes” means you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have your parents, adult children or you been divorced? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you or your children participated in organized sports? Then you have seen parents, coaches and players in enemy mode.

• Do you or any of your immediate family serve in the military? Are you a veteran? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been a victim of a crime? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been in court? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Do you work in sales, contracts, human relations or customer complaints? Getting people out of enemy mode is your job.

• Do you or your close family serve in law enforcement? Limiting enemy mode is your job.

• Did you go to recess with other children, have teachers who yelled or disliked certain students or views? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been unfriended on social media? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Are you an indigenous person or belong to an unfavored group? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Are your leaders elected (and especially if they are not)? You live under people in frequent enemy mode.

• Do you watch TV and movies? You are exposed to enemy mode by the hour.

• Have you been impacted by gangs, tribal hostilities, colonialism, police states, lack of access to food and medicine, persecution or discrimination? You have lived through enemy mode.

You carry the residual effects of enemy mode if:

• You or your ancestors remember being displaced.

• Your family lived through a war in the last four generations.

• You or your ancestors immigrated.

• Your people lost their lands to others.

• Your people were enslaved or owned slaves.

• Your people were subject to genocide in the last two centuries.

Lots of these conditions generate enemy mode. Yet people in every generation arise, escape enemy mode and help others to do so as well. Others become bitter, chronically fearful, and combative.

You can learn to escape enemy mode. Join the escape!

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 14, 2022

Enemy mode affects us even if we don’t notice it.

Just like asbestos, second-hand smoke or bad drinking water, exposure to enemy mode affects everyone.

Don’t think you’ve been impacted by enemy mode?

What’s your answer to these questions? Any “yes” means you have been exposed. The more “yes” answers, the higher your exposure!

Test your risk of enemy mode exposure: A “yes” means you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have your parents, adult children or you been divorced? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you or your children participated in organized sports? Then you have seen parents, coaches and players in enemy mode.

• Do you or any of your immediate family serve in the military? Are you a veteran? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been a victim of a crime? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been in court? Then you have lived through enemy mode.

• Do you work in sales, contracts, human relations or customer complaints? Getting people out of enemy mode is your job.

• Do you or your close family serve in law enforcement? Limiting enemy mode is your job.

• Did you go to recess with other children, have teachers who yelled or disliked certain students or views? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Have you been unfriended on social media? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Are you an indigenous person or belong to an unfavored group? You have lived through enemy mode.

• Are your leaders elected (and especially if they are not)? You live under people in frequent enemy mode.

• Do you watch TV and movies? You are exposed to enemy mode by the hour.

• Have you been impacted by gangs, tribal hostilities, colonialism, police states, lack of access to food and medicine, persecution or discrimination? You have lived through enemy mode.

You carry the residual effects of enemy mode if:

• You or your ancestors remember being displaced.

• Your family lived through a war in the last four generations.

• You or your ancestors immigrated.

• Your people lost their lands to others.

• Your people were enslaved or owned slaves.

• Your people were subject to genocide in the last two centuries.

Lots of these conditions generate enemy mode. Yet people in every generation arise, escape enemy mode and help others to do so as well. Others become bitter, chronically fearful, and combative.

You can learn to escape enemy mode. Join the escape!

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 14, 2022

A number of years ago, my wife Kitty decided to surprise our family and guests for Thanksgiving with a meal based on her recent fascination with a raw plant-based diet. The first clue was a platter with a lump about the size and shape of a small chicken that she called the turkey. The lump was made primarily of raw nuts and naturally cold. This avatar replaced the turkey.

In the same way, an avatar made of raw cauliflower replaced mashed potatoes. Something with carob power and avocado replaced chocolate. But, the raw blueberry pie did actually contain blueberries. The “coffee” was a brown liquid, I will grant that point. In every case but the blueberries, nothing was what it claimed to be.

We also, in order to present what we consider to be a healthier version of being Christians, have a tendency to create an avatar self using the “as-if” functions of our dorsomedial prefrontal cortex. (You can read more about that in Escaping Enemy Mode.) The people closest to us, those seated around the Thanksgiving table, easily notice the difference between our avatar identities and who they know to be real. 

We can look at this raw food meal a different way, as well. A healthy diet would be an acquired taste for most of us. The raw nut lump would, if we didn’t try to think of it as turkey, actually taste pretty good. I cannot extend the same courtesy to the “coffee” substitute.

Our true and best selves are also an acquired taste and something quite unexpected. St. John tells us, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.“ 1 John 3:2 NIV.

We are in the middle of becoming someone who has never been here before.

We can create our own avatars and “as-if” selves or we can become more than we could imagine – a new self of God’s design. A truly new self is an acquired taste and a reason for thanksgiving.

Who will gather around your table?

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 13, 2022

A number of years ago, my wife Kitty decided to surprise our family and guests for Thanksgiving with a meal based on her recent fascination with a raw plant-based diet. The first clue was a platter with a lump about the size and shape of a small chicken that she called the turkey. The lump was made primarily of raw nuts and naturally cold. This avatar replaced the turkey.

In the same way, an avatar made of raw cauliflower replaced mashed potatoes. Something with carob power and avocado replaced chocolate. But, the raw blueberry pie did actually contain blueberries. The “coffee” was a brown liquid, I will grant that point. In every case but the blueberries, nothing was what it claimed to be.

We also, in order to present what we consider to be a healthier version of being Christians, have a tendency to create an avatar self using the “as-if” functions of our dorsomedial prefrontal cortex. (You can read more about that in Escaping Enemy Mode.) The people closest to us, those seated around the Thanksgiving table, easily notice the difference between our avatar identities and who they know to be real. 

We can look at this raw food meal a different way, as well. A healthy diet would be an acquired taste for most of us. The raw nut lump would, if we didn’t try to think of it as turkey, actually taste pretty good. I cannot extend the same courtesy to the “coffee” substitute.

Our true and best selves are also an acquired taste and something quite unexpected. St. John tells us, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.“ 1 John 3:2 NIV.

We are in the middle of becoming someone who has never been here before.

We can create our own avatars and “as-if” selves or we can become more than we could imagine – a new self of God’s design. A truly new self is an acquired taste and a reason for thanksgiving.

Who will gather around your table?

 by Rev. Ray Woolridge, Oct 13, 2022