Joy Blogger

In the Life Model we are encouraged to live from our hearts instead of the sark. Before I knew about the Life Model, I used different words when talking about this concept. These words have helped me apply the concept. Perhaps expanding the semantics here will make it easier for others to apply this truth as well. What I learned years ago helped me not only live from my own heart, but it helped me love others unconditionally. That is the emphasis I would like to make here.

I like to imagine that the heart and the sark are like two windows. Looking through one window I see through the sark; looking through the other I see through the eyes of Heaven. I think about these windows in different ways in order to be able to look most often through the eyes of Heaven. This has drastically changed how I relate to and love others. I found it helpful to name the windows. I call the window based on the sark, “the window of behavior.” When I look through this window, I focus on a person’s behavior. When looking through the other window, “the window of personhood,” I focus on their heart. In other words, I see people as who they are instead of what they do. The windows help me separate behavior and personhood.

Separating who we are from what we do is not an easy task. Our culture and society so emphasize performance that we are almost brainwashed into seeing others and ourselves through the window that makes evaluations based on behavior. This encourages sark infested lies such as, “I am bad if I do something bad. I am good if I do something good.” That would be the same as saying, “I am a cat because I can ‘meow’.” Being able to see a person’s heart, who they are, requires a different window than the world has taught us to look through. Muddy smudges, such as judgment, blaming, rejection and contempt, cover the window of behavior, distorting our perception of others and interfering with our ability to love unconditionally because we are not seeing the heart. I knew it would not be easy to break free from such strong, internal belief systems, but it was the cry of my heart to find a way.

The Person who is unconditional love was the one who would teach me how to stop looking through the muddy smudges, while teaching me to look at people through the window of the heart, through their personhood. And I found it life changing. I had to practice and learn many personal lessons along the way. I failed and needed forgiveness. Others failed me and needed forgiveness. Everyone fails; everyone acts contrary to his or her values at some time or another. We all long for and need forgiveness and love because we are made to be joyfully connected to one another. God taught me along the way that separating behavior and personhood makes it easier to forgive and love.

Forgiveness does not diminish that a person acted inappropriately nor does it condone the behavior, but rather forgiveness paves the way for reconnection in spite of the wrong behavior. When I separate behavior and personhood, I can love you (or myself) without loving your (my) behavior– and that makes it easier to forgive. When this grace is offered that separates who we are from what we do, it feels wonderfully healing. It restores relationships. It helps us let go of anger and grudges concerning another’s behavior.

It has been my experience that behavior actually improves when someone feels loved and accepted unconditionally. As God taught me to see myself and other people through this window of the heart instead of focusing on their actions, I watched them began to see themselves differently and know their own hearts. People want to behave better after they are loved for who they are in spite of what they have done. The changes may be slow, but they come, when the focus is through the window of personhood.

Looking through the window of personhood instead of the window of behavior has another important application—that of parenting children. Children who grow up without unconditional love become people who either perform for love and acceptance or rebel. Fear-based or performance-based type discipline paves the way for problems, while loving discipline teaches value and worth. Loving discipline will include consequences without humiliating and rejecting the person while speaking to the behavior.

How we speak to behavior will determine how children see themselves. If we can separate who they are from what they do, they will grow in confidence and joy. Take a simple example: If a child lies (or steals, etc), we can send different messages depending on the words we use when speaking to them about it. In the case of misbehavior, we want to speak about the child’s behavior and not his or her personhood. We do not want to give the message that bad behavior means that the child is bad. I have made it my practice to say something like this, “We don’t like lying around here. We will not have any lying in our family.” If I am looking through that window of behavior I will say, “We don’t like liars around here. We wont have any liars in our family.” Even though in this case the distinction focuses on the behavior, the message is still from the window of personhood. Noticing these types of phrases can change the impact our messages have on another person.

I have experienced looking through the window of unconditional love not only with children and adults, but also with young people and teens. As anyone who relates with teenagers can tell you, these teen years give many opportunities to encounter undesirable behavior. I remember a young man whom I loved without condemnation when he took money from a store. He paid some dire consequences, but I gave no condemnation because I knew his heart. I remember two unmarried young people who moved in to live together. I spoke once about my feelings on the matter (of course they already knew my feelings) and then I related to them the same as if they were married. Without my condemnation or interference, I watched them work through what they needed to learn, grow tremendously from the experience and then get married. Condemning or rejecting them for their unwise behavior did not fit with what God was teaching me about the two windows.

During these events, I had some important goals. First and foremost, I did not want to lose the relationship with these young people. I wanted to see them through the window of personhood and love them for who they are—to keep the relationship and know that we would stay connected. It was my desire that, when, like the prodigal son, their journey brought them back to their true values, I would be one to whom they would come for support or help. I am thankful to say that they did return and I have had joy in that relationship ever since.

Another goal in my heart was for these young people to truly know that they are loved unconditionally. They had heard it taught and knew the words. But it was one thing to tell them how loved they are and another for them to know it deeply in themselves. Being loved in spite of their behavior cemented into them that what they do is not who they are. Bad or unwise behavior does not make them bad or unwise. Years have now passed and they have been married a long time. Most of the time they look at each other through the personhood window showing evidence in their lives that these lessons of love were valuable and life changing. The lessons also brought them an added benefit–they also know how to love unconditionally.

As we can see from these examples, unconditional love produces more love. Later in life this young couple had a serious opportunity to love another as they had been loved. A dear friend became pregnant out of wedlock and she found authentic love from these who had not been rejected for their behavior. She found a place to heal and grow without condemnation. Loving relationships triumphed over wrong behavior. Certainly consequences followed, but without condemnation and rejection.

When we love someone without condemnation, by seeing their heart in spite of their behavior, it teaches them that they are valuable and loveable. It marks them as worthy and precious. That window of personhood clearly reveals their heart, who they are, and what they are really about, not only to us who may be looking through the window, but to themselves as well. Nothing touches a person more deeply than not being rejected because of behavior. It brings hope and freedom and a sense of belonging. It brings safety and a place to learn from mistakes instead of dishonesty, hiding and pretending. Honesty and openness are vital criteria for joyful, loving relationships. Separating behavior and personhood make this easier because we do not have to fear rejection when being open, if we know we will be loved unconditionally. We can more easily confess our sins one to another and get healing.

Accepting people based on their hearts also prevents excommunication from loved ones, as we stay connected and work through problems without fear of condemnation. And I believe when we see others through the window of the heart, it helps them want to behave better and sin less. The Bible says in I Peter 4:8, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” I do not believe that verse means that we cover up or ignore sin and act like it does not matter. Authentic, unconditional love must speak to unwise behavior in a loving matter while continuing to see the person through the window of the heart. Unconditional love covers the sins by taking the focus off of the person’s behavior and placing the focus on their heart.

I ask myself questions that help separate personhood and behavior: “Why is the person acting this way?” “What are the circumstances both present and past that bring out this behavior?” “What kind of pain is the person in?” “Where does he or she feel unloved and empty of joy?” These questions first slow down any negative reactions I might be feeling. Then as my heart lines up with possible reasons for the behavior, I am better able to see the person’s heart. Now I am able to ask, “What characteristics do I know that show me who they really are?” “How can I help instead of condemning?” This does not mean that I am excusing the unwise behavior; it may have to be dealt with, but by changing my focus to the window of unconditional love, I am more likely to love based on their heart. As we grow in this understanding that we are not what we do, love can cover a multitude of negatives, smooth out the bumps in life and bring us closer to one another.

It has been through many painful and difficult lessons that I have learned to love by focusing on the heart. It was well worth the pain. Being loved this way saved my life. Loving this way has enriched my life personally and relationally in more ways than I could have imagined. I live life standing on this truth—that who I am and who others are is not based on what we do. Loving through the window of the heart is how I accept people where they are while seeing where they might need to grow. It is how I stay open to others even when they bring me pain. It is how I keep going when life is difficult. This kind of love has become real and automatic to me most of the time. It has changed my view of myself, of others and of God because I know it is really His love that I am talking about and I understand it experientially. When I look through that window I call “personhood” rather than looking through the “window of behavior,” I see with Heaven’s eyes.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 11:52 am and is filed under Christian Formation, General Topics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.